A Sign That He Matters
by HBKDEANRKO
Summary: Dean and Sam finally grieve their father. Not what you think. Dean/Angst


Disclaimer: Dean and Sam Winchester and everything Supernatural do not belong to me.

A SIGN THAT HE MATTERS

Dean sat at the bar drinking his fifth glass of the strongest stuff they had, the bartender watched him with a close eye waiting for any sigh that Dean needed to be cut off but for Dean this was just the beginning. He had to drink a couple of bottles to even catch a buzz anymore.

He decided to nurse the glass instead of slamming it back like he had the first four, the damn stuff didn't even burn anymore and Dean didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. He could just imagine what his liver looked like.

Man he was tired and in all rights he should be in his motel room asleep but he couldn't do it, he had argued with Sam about their next hunt and left. He felt himself falling apart, why would he push the only person that gave a damn about him away?

He missed Bobby so much, the only person that truly knew how to read him. He had believed for so long that Bobby would never be taken out.

Dean thought back to the day he first met him, the day his dad had ended up at Bobby's door because another hunter had pointed him that way to learn from the best. He remembered his dad sitting him on the floor with Sammy and telling him to keep an eye on his brother and the way Bobby had looked at John as if he couldn't be serious. The stunned look Bobby had gotten on his face when Dean had had not only changed his little brother's diaper but made his bottle and rocked him to sleep at the grand age of four.

It continued from there they spent so much time at Bobby's that they started calling him Uncle Bobby. He taught John everything he knew and passed what he could to Dean and Sam. They had grown to love him.

Then one day John stormed out of Bobby's house taking them with him now years later and Dean never found out what happened. He could only guess that Bobby had suggested or probably demanded that John let them be kids and do something besides hunt, John hated when anyone told him how to raise his kids as if he ever really had. Dean loved his dad but now that he was so much older he could see that John could have made better choices. He could have found a way to at least let Dean be normal Sam had almost made it then Dean had pulled him back. Man he hated himself for that even though Sam told him often that the hunting life would have dragged him back one way or another since he had been marked to be the devil's vessel.

They had found their way back to Bobby eventually whether John liked it or not and Bobby had helped them through the worst of everything, injuries, angels, demons, round trips to hell.

Bobby's reaction to seeing him when he came back from hell would always be vivid in Dean's mind. The tears, the hugs and the multitude of empty bottles of alcohol, Dean had felt true family love that day from someone other than Sam, the only two people in the world that gave a damn that Dean Winchester was back.

Dean snickered, thanks to dear old dad he was cursed to be alone for the rest of his years which Dean was sure wouldn't be much longer especially if had anything to do with it. He could see the look Bobby would be giving him the same look he had given him when he found out that Dean had sold his soul for Sam.

He sighed and motioned for another glass with a 'see I'm not drunk' grin. Here it was the reason he had nightmares, his biggest fear. He didn't care if he died he knew it was coming but he couldn't stand the thought of Sam dying before him especially now that he was really alone and didn't even have Bobby to help him.

His chest tightened up and he took a slow drink, he could never be the dad he wanted to be. He could be a great dad hell Sam had turned out fine except for the addiction to demon's blood part of his life of course. No one would ever call him dad. He would never see another kid take his first steps no one to see graduate or walk down the aisle because no woman in her right mind would want him as broken as he was. His chest tightened a little more.

Dean drank the last of his drink and tossed money on the counter, he headed to the door without so much as one stagger knowing the bartender was watching him, it was pouring down rain but it didn't stop him it was just water right. He headed to the Impala and climbed in and just sat there listening to the rain and staring into it.

He never drove when he drank since he really didn't need driving under the influence charges or another accident.

The thought slid to halt and his lips curled, if he died in an accident it wouldn't really be suicide would it?

He latched onto the thought. Sam could handle him dying a normal death better than a supernatural one right? Sam had handled his brother's death a lot better than Dean had handled his. Maybe he could finally have a normal life. Dean knew Sam only stuck around to watch his back.

He didn't matter he hadn't mattered in a long time if ever. So this was it he going out tonight in his baby everything would be blamed on the rain and the fact that he had been drinking. He felt a strange sense of relief.

"Any signs that I matter bring them on now." He muttered to the empty car. He didn't expect anything to happen; he took a deep stuttered breath. "Sorry Sammy." He turned the key and nothing happened. He gave a weak little laugh and tried again, still nothing. Dean took better care of his car than he took care of himself and in the years that it had been in his care it had never ever not started except for the time that Bobby had….."Bobby?" He whispered.

Dean gasped and jumped when the radio turned on and began to play "Nothing Else Matters." A terrible pain filled his chest and he fell apart sobbing uncontrollably, the pain of losing the man he truly considered a father finally flowing from his broken heart because even in death he still mattered to Bobby.

He heard the creak of the Impala door but couldn't look his tears were blinding him and the sobbing was so strong he was hitching to breathe. He felt familiar arms wrap around him and he fell against his brother's chest. Right now he didn't care how weak he looked. He cried harder feeling the guilt of what he had been thinking because he mattered to Sam too. His little brother who had walked in the pouring rain to find his big brother to make sure he was ok and had found him falling apart. He felt Sam begin to cry too releasing his own pent up pain not having done it before to protect Dean but now both brother's openly grieved the man that had thought them heroes, the man that had helped them become heroes.

Bobby Singer.

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Dean really does have that all bottled up inside himself I believe anyway.

Thanks for reading!


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